Unlike many who have recently become unemployed, I am not crying in my beer. No sir. We here at Dances With Bass Industries have been busy with a number of interesting pursuits. Following are 20 things I’ve been dabbling in since I last held a steady job.

(As you might assume, because I also engage in international espionage on the side, I am not at liberty to share many of my, um, activities with you. You simply don’t have the proper security clearances, and I am not interested in living out my days in a dank Turkish prison.)

1. I’ve made a dozen or so crank calls in my best cockney British accent. I’ve found that I can keep people on the line until I say something like “He’s the dog’s danglies.” That’s usually about the time they start swearing and hang up.
2. I attempted to start my own flash mob in my neighborhood. I had two dogs, an obnoxious squirrel, and a staggering drunk dude in a bathrobe and no underpants following me before I finally called it quits.
3. Built a tiny hut for the chipmunks so that they have somewhere private to go when feeling amorous instead of doing it right outside my office window. Chipmunk sex is not something you want to know about. Ever.
4. Worked on my shadow puppet show. I’m like the Michael Jordan of shadow puppetry. I am the first one working out in the morning, and I’m the last one throwing rabbits, barking dogs and alligators in the evening. It’s grueling, but it’s what pros do.
5. Every morning, I coat myself in safflower oil and sit naked in the backyard for an hour singing show tunes. At first, my neighbors were curious. Now they scurry past while avoiding eye contact.
6. I have “investigated” my lifelong passion for belly dancing. It’s a tough business to break into, but I found a dirty Greek eatery in a dodgy Indianapolis neighborhood that is starved for talent. There’s a lot of shaving involved in this new career path. That’s all I gotta say.
7. I called several local llama farms and asked to speak to the Dalai Lama. They love that one. Really.
8. I visited my favorite coffee shop, ordered my usual double Ristretto Venti,half-soy, non-fat, decaf, organic white chocolate brownie, iced vanilla, double-shot gingerbread frappuccino, extra hot with foam, whipped cream, upside down triple-blended, with one Sweet’n Low, and one Nutrasweet, with ice – shaved, not cubes. Who knew Starbucks had bouncers?!?
9. I’ve been working with NASA—Stop laughing! I know people who know people, okay?—and I’ve agreed to be the first human to travel to Mars with the understanding that I won’t have enough fuel to return to Earth. I’m making such a steep sacrifice for the good of mankind. Henceforth, I’d appreciate it if you hailed me as “Major Tim.” (That’s not a typo. Some already call me…”Tim.”)
10. Bought a dozen helium balloons so that I could repeat all of my favorite Monty Python quotes in a squeaky voice. I have a headache now. Just try to say “Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries” while hopped up on helium. If you’re not rolling around the floor laughing afterward, I don’t want to know you.
11. I’m soon to take the lead role in a reality television show about an aging, ex-editor and my sidekick, a smart-ass spider monkey named Monte who knows a surprising number of dirty hand gestures.
12. Attempted to teach my cat how to dance to Carl Douglas’s “Kung-Fu Fighting.” Thankfully, my wife is pretty good at stanching the blood loss.
13. Each morning, I practice my pole vaulting. I had a wardrobe malfunction the other day while I was about 12.63 feet in the air. Free Willy now has an entirely new meaning for me. (And the neighbor lady.)
14. After honing my skills for years in the little known, yet treacherous dwarf tossing underworld, I’ve decided to turn pro. My two dwarven assistants, Pedro and Pemberton, will be part of my team on the National Dwarf Tossing Circuit. Unbeknownst to many, prickly U.S. and international laws have forced this seedy—though beautiful—sport to operate only in dark basements and cellars throughout North and Central America. I am interviewing applicants for open bodyguard positions on my staff.
15. I went on a job interview for a job that I didn’t really want. For fun, I dressed my beagle in a suit and took him with me to the interview. I introduced him as my attorney and told the interviewer that my attorney insists on a retainer before we can engage in any meaningful negotiations. I think I might have set some sort of land-speed record for getting thrown out of an interview. I don’t think I got the job, but you never know. I like to remain positive.
16. I spend about an hour a day on my roof, posing for Google Earth photos. The way I see it, if I do this every day, at different times a day, eventually, the photo showing my house will be awesome. Better than my neighbors’ boring rooftops anyway…
17. Calculated the exact distance from which a cat can be dropped and NOT land on its feet. In case you’re wondering, that’s 27.43 feet. At exactly 27.44 feet, some bad shit happens.
18. I’ve been working on my trusty AMC Pacer Time Travel machine. I’ve been screwing with all of you by repeatedly going back to the same point in time, which causes the time continuum to repeatedly reset. You’ve been reliving last Tuesday for weeks now and you don’t even know it. 
19. My pets and I have decided to start our own Mariachi band. Surprisingly, they picked up the guitarra de golps and the guitarróns right away. The hardest part has been finding a tailor to make the little matching suits with silver buttons to fit a pair of chubby house cats.
20. Spent an inordinate amount of time writing posts for this blog—a blog that has a whole three subscribers. Okay, I lied about that. I have just two subscribers. The rest of you plonkers can bugger off.