Wanted: AMC Pacer Time Machine Test Pilot

Rick Kughen 2 Comments
AMC Pacer Time Machine

 

Wanted: Test subject…er…pilot for a time machine I have created using my trusty AMC Pacer, a sack of ball bearings, a Jack LaLanne Power Juicer, a carburetor from a Lawn Boy mower, and 6,000 9-volt batteries. I cannot guarantee that you will survive or that I can get you back to the present. I’d go myself, but I have an inner-ear condition that prevents me from traveling faster than 299 792 458 m / s.

There are several non-negotiable job requirements:

  • Must sign a rather broad waiver, and not have any family members who are likely to sue on your behalf.
  • A large pair of fuzzy dice for the rear-view mirror required. Please bring to interview as proof of suitability for the job.
  • You must have your own, fully functional, heavy-duty tinfoil suit that meets all current OSHA standards.
  • The successful applicant must ooze style. (If you can’t look groovy in this stylish machine, then please don’t apply.)
  • You must have nerves of steel and a valid Xanax prescription.
  • You must supply recent dental records prior to, um, launch. Sorry, my insurance carrier won’t budge on this one.
  • Must have a pioneering spirit and a love of adventure. (And no fear of death or disfigurement.)
  • Applicants who are pregnant—or who plan to become pregnant—must not handle, operate, or even look at my AMC Pacer time machine.

(Ignore the people in the photo. They are previous test subjects who are no longer employed by Dances With Bass Industries.)

Equal opportunity employer. Not valid in Connecticut.

 

 

 

About Rick Kughen

Rick Kughen is a writer, editor, and fishing bum who lives in Kokomo, Indiana with his lovely wife Charlotte, children Alexa and Eric, a flatulent beagle, two devious cats, his imaginary friend, Ned, and Ned's imaginary dog, Steve. He is a former Executive Editor for Pearson Education in Indianapolis, IN, where he worked for 19 years. He's now a full-time freelance writer and editor; he and Charlotte own and operate The Wordsmithery, a freelance editorial company. In a previous life, he was a newspaper reporter and columnist covering police and criminal courts news. He is a fine graduate of Ball State University where he moonlighted as a student. Kughen is an avid fisherman, writer, fly tyer, bait manufacturer, and baseball card collector. He is a devoted fan of both the Green Bay Packers and Cincinnati Reds, and of course, he is an incurable audiophile. He is the superhero known as Adjective Man (action figures sold separately). Kughen also answers to "Editor Boy," but only because he appears to have no choice.

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2 thoughts on “Wanted: AMC Pacer Time Machine Test Pilot”

  1. I believe I meet all the qualifications. But I request I wear my personal Jack Lalanne tights instead of your USDA approved tinfoil suit.

    1. I am okay with you wearing the tights so long as they are flame retardant, and strong enough to withstand the rigors of time travel. The Dances With Bass Industries legal beagle will also require you to sign a waiver.

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