IMPORTANT NOTICE: Please read. This is not your typical yada-yada legal-speak. Your life depends on it.
Because the Internet is littered with people too stupid to breed, I, Ser Rick Kughen, of House Kughen, First of His Name, Warden of the North, and Protector of the Realm, state that being of sound mind and body (sort of on both counts) I do hereby forever and ever amen, forswear times infinity that as of this date—this date right here, dude—February 24, 2016—and pursuant to articles 123.15 and 1119.87 of the United Federation of Planets, and pursuant to articles L.111, 112 and 113 of the Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs Code of Intellectual Property, I declare that my rights are attached (with staples, silk thread, stamps, macrame, whatever is handy) to all my personal data, drawings—especially the ones created using my own feces—paintings, photos, videos, texts, sonnets, objects woven from my rectal area hair, songs, columns, yodeling, and anything else I could ever imagine existing, having existed, or ever existing, and published on danceswithbass.com.
I offer reasonable commercial licensing fees to those who ask nicely and who don’t smell of elderberries. Of course, any commercial usage in the United States, including all U.S. territories, must be cleared by my crack legal team, Ser Peter Franklin Kughen and Ser Milo Montgomery Kughen. If they say it’s kosher and that your usage of said material will make me fat stacks of cash, then I say go for it, dude.
While I wouldn’t recommend it—because I am a total loon and taking legal advice from me is unbelievably addlepated—those reading this notice (your noting of this notice has been noticed) may copy and paste this notice to your own blog—especially if you enjoy being mocked and called silly names. Posting my notice on your own blog carries no legal power whatsoever, but if you are into conspiracy theories and often wear a tinfoil hat, then you won’t want to take any chances. Listen to the voices in your head—even if they are singing songs from The Pirates of Penzance—and POST IT already! In addition to making you the laughingstock of your neighborhood, doing so places you under absolutely no protection whatsoever. Consider this statement to be a legal prophylactic full o’pinholes.
By thee, I forswear it is strictly—and dude, we mean don’t eff with us, man, kinda strictly—forbidden to disclose, copy, distribute, broadcast, think about, touch inappropriately, fondle, or take any other action against me on the basis of this profile and or its content (though you’d most certainly have a good case because as previously stated, I am a lunatic who isn’t allowed to use real cutlery). The actions mentioned above also apply to employees, students, secret agents, Roman centurions, belly dancers, cowbellists, and/or other personnel operating under the direction of the Internet as a living, breathing, and/or pantsless entity.
The content of my profile contains super secret, Double-Dutch, pinky promise private information. The violation of my privacy is punishable by law (UCC 1-308 1-308 1-103) and more importantly, by me…and you really don’t want me on your tail. I am a total badass.
The Internet is now an open capital entity, which essentially means that it’s dog-eat-dog, baby. All users are invited to publish a notice of this kind, or if they prefer, you can copy and paste this version – especially if you don’t mind being picked on mercilessly.
If you have not published this statement at least once—and preferably at least 632 times—you are tacitly allowing the use of elements such as your photos as well as the information contained in on your page. In short, post this or prepare to be owned by the Internet loons.
You’ve been warned, my babies.
