Urgent—New Facebook Privacy Policy

Rick Kughen
Tinfoil Hat Area

 

IMPORTANT NOTICE!!!

This important dispatch comes from the Dances with Bass Legal Department. Read to the end and share or your miserable lives are forfeit, your pets and children will cease to love you, and you’ll get pimples in tender fleshy areas that are particularly unpleasant insofar as pimples are concerned:

Deadline tomorrow!!!

Everything you’ve ever thought becomes public from starting tomorrow. Even thoughts that you thought and later decided to unthink are subject to Facebook’s new policies. If you’ve ever looked at it, touched it, breathed on it, fondled it, rubbed it on your belly, licked it, noticed it, humped it, or even heard about someone else thinking about it, it becomes Facebook’s property tomorrow. TOMORROW (dammit)!

FOX News talked about the change in Facebook’s privacy policy (and we all know FOX News is the last bastion of journalistic excellence*). The tinfoil hat-wearing conspiracy theory nut jobs have prattled on about it, too. So, better safe than sorry, better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, and better than chitlins and peppers, I always say. Therefore, I here and now, being of unsound mind, brittle character, and pants so tight you can tell what religion I am, hereby decree in a loud, authoritative voice that commands respect and obedience in small mammals (particularly small furry ones who’ve gathered together in a cave and are grooving with a pict) that I do not give Facebook or any entities associated with Facebook—both in real life and in my twisted little head—permission to use my pictures, information, messages or posts, thoughts, random musings, curious urges, scent markings, yard gnome pics, or audio files of barnyard animals engaging in coitus…be they past, present, future, or worm hole science–based.

With this statement, I give notice to Facebook, as well as the people living under my stairs, the goblins in my teacup cabinet, the thong-wearing pixies who frolic in my dog’s wading pool, the crazy neighbor lady with blue hair and fleshy skin tags, and the rednecks in Yoda jammies that it is strictly forbidden to disclose, copy, distribute, or take any other action against me based on this profile and/or its contents. I am not responsible for any dementia, sudden urges to defecate, or any sudden rapturing that results in your consumption of the thoughts I’ve thought, will think, or most certainly am thinking now.

Dances with Bass Fun Fact

The content of my profile is private, confidential information, double-Dutch, super secret probation kinda stuff that could get you deported, disbarred, defuncticated (yes, I just made that word up), desanitized, defrocked, disbanded, and/or dropped on your head with a sickening thwack. Any violation of my privacy—real, Memorex or otherwise—can and will be punished to the fullest extent allowable by law (UCC 1-308- 1 1 308-103, Rome Statutes, pinkie promises, needles stuck in eyes kinda serious that you really just don’t want to eff with).

NOTE: Facebook is now a public entity, which means that all members, including you (especially you because you are frigging nuts) can post a note like this, although it’s doubtful that yours will be as clever or funny. If you prefer, you can copy and paste this version into your Facebook status, paint it on your car, stitch it to a pillow, skywrite it across a deep blue sky, whatever the hell floats your particular boat. Of course, doing so will incur a one-time (no more than twice, I forswear) nominal fee for which I will invoice you at a later date when I need money.

If you do not publish a statement of some sort by the end of the day TOMORROW, you are tactically (as opposed to tacitly) allowing the free will usage of your photos, thoughts, musings, throbbing urges, conspiracy theories, as well as the information contained in your profile status updates. In fact, even if you don’t post such a notice, I am subject to stealing your stuff, so there’s that.

DO NOT SHARE. Copy and paste to be on the safe side!!!! I can’t stress this enough, people. This is real and it’s scary. I got all goosefleshy just writing this notice and I am wholly unflappable.

Don’t delay. Act now!!!

(Note: Your failure to take note of this notice will be noticed and noted in a note.)

* This statement is 100 percent false.

About Rick Kughen

Rick Kughen is a writer, editor, and fishing bum who lives in Kokomo, Indiana with his lovely wife Charlotte, children Alexa and Eric, a flatulent beagle, two devious cats, his imaginary friend, Ned, and Ned's imaginary dog, Steve. He is a former Executive Editor for Pearson Education in Indianapolis, IN, where he worked for 19 years. He's now a full-time freelance writer and editor; he and Charlotte own and operate The Wordsmithery, a freelance editorial company. In a previous life, he was a newspaper reporter and columnist covering police and criminal courts news. He is a fine graduate of Ball State University where he moonlighted as a student. Kughen is an avid fisherman, writer, fly tyer, bait manufacturer, and baseball card collector. He is a devoted fan of both the Green Bay Packers and Cincinnati Reds, and of course, he is an incurable audiophile. He is the superhero known as Adjective Man (action figures sold separately). Kughen also answers to "Editor Boy," but only because he appears to have no choice.

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