Friends, I am in the beta-testing phase of a new laptop add-on that will spray a fast-acting anesthetic into the face of any social media user who resorts to “what about X” arguments when Argument X has nothing to do with Topic Y. I have received interest from several major laptop and smartphone manufacturers—so sorry, I cannot divulge names at present while negotiations are pending—about installing tiny aerosol jets into the monitor bevel that detect prohibited Internet asshattery and spray the offender with a fast-acting dose of Whataboutstop Spray™.
As an added benefit, the spray also acts as a biological neutering/spaying agent that immediately renders inert anyone who uses Whataboutism tropes. The spray attacks and neutralizes whataboutism* at the source. Whataboutstop Spray™ is fast-acting, dependable, and environmentally friendly.
* Whataboutism
From Oxford Dictionary
NOUN British – The technique or practice of responding to an accusation or difficult question by making a counter-accusation or raising a different issue. Example: “The parliamentary hearing appeared to be an exercise in whataboutism.”Also called whataboutery.
Origin: 1990s: from the way in which counter-accusations may take the form of questions introduced by “What about —?”.
Pronunciation: whataboutism/ˌwɒtəˈbaʊtɪz(ə)m/
Whataboutstop Spray™ is a proprietary formula that is the result of years of chemical engineering, head-spinning algorithms, and weird sciencey machinations that are only possible while wearing ladies’ undergarments on one’s head. Also in development is a handy portable spray that will stop offenders in their tracks. Portable Whataboutism Spray™ will be sold in convenient pocket- or purse-sized canisters as well as 50-gallon refill drums. The spray comes in a variety of flavors, including Hillary Honey Brickle, Orange Cheeto Mist, Bush Berry Blast, and Obamalicious.
If after posting a Whatabout, you wake up face-down and drooling on your keyboard (and sexually inert), you’ll know fast-acting Whataboutstop Spray™ is hard at work making you a better person.
I’m taking preorders now, so be order yours today! And remember to spay or neuter the Whatabouters in your life today!
Warning: Patients treated with Whataboutstop Spray™ have experienced serious and sometimes fatal side effects, including nausea, intense fetal position–inducing stomach pain, indigestion, instant concrete–style constipation, toxic flatulence, hammertoe, gout, anal leakage, wet dreams, chronic halitosis, mild heart explosions, varicose veins, darkened stool, darkened soul, lycanthropy, misanthropy, relapsed virginity, weeping wounds, fistulas, unwanted body hair, pimples in sensitive areas, receding hairline, pustules of the buttocks, bloating of the armpits, butthurt, delusions of grandeur, and chronic itch of the nether regions. Tell your doctor if you have any side effect that bothers you or that does not go away. These are not all the possible side effects of Whataboutstop Spray™. Use only as directed. You may report side effects to the makers of Whataboutstop Spray™ at 1-800-WHO-CARES.
Important note: Whataboutstop Spray™ has not been tested in a non-net neutrality world, so mileage may vary. Use with caution.
