Every so often, my many followers ask me for some guidance…you know, because clearly, I have things dialed in over here. Generally, I don’t publish this kind of advice because I like being the only one who’s right, but man, it’s getting messed up out there. I mean, some’a y’all are just plain nuts. So, here is the first installment of what I expect will be semi-regular gifts of knowledge from the mountaintop. Take them, dear followers, and frolic. Multiply. Divide. Get crazy, and solve for X. Do the bugaloo. Whatever works for you. Let these fruits of my greatness enrich your lives.

Important legal notice: Any advice contained herein is provided as-is with no implied usefulness whatsoever. Dances With Bass Industries is not responsible for any mayhem, titillation, public outcry, damnation, evictions, deportations, inadvertent rapturing, unplanned speaking in tongues, arousal, hysteria, mass panic, flash mobbing, unexplained rashes, erections lasting more than four hours, arrests, unlawful detentions, gun play, surprise militia uprisings, stern parental looks, corporal punishment, capital punishment, forced relocations to Siberia or other parts unknown, and/or any unpleasant consequence heretofore mentioned or inadvertently omitted, in any shape, form, size, color, length, weight, currently real or imagined, or imagined in the future, in any part of the world, and throughout the known universe, forever and ever, amen. Forthwith and stuff. 

1. Take care of your back. You’ll regret it when it starts to feel like a sleeve of crushed Ritz crackers. Trust me.
2. If your friend cheats on his/her significant other, you should run. Run like hell. Think about it. If he is willing to cheat on the person he loves the most, just what in the hell is he willing to do to you? I don’t tolerate infidels in my camp.
3. If your dog brings in something from outside, inspect it closely before picking it up.
4. If you believe in something that involves cruelty of any kind, you might want to re-evaluate your beliefs.
5. Keep your eyes forward and your knees slightly bent so that you’re ready to move in any direction. I learned this when I was kid playing T-ball, and it applies to pretty much everything.
6. If the sign reads, “No swimming. Alligators” the sign means “No effing swimming, meathead.” If you get eaten, don’t say the rest of the herd didn’t warn you.
7. Speaking of the herd, if you give said herd the stink-eye, you can expect the herd to give it back to you tenfold. Remember, you are always outnumbered. If you dare lock eyes with the herd, you’re likely to get trampled.
8. It’s not music unless it involves the actual playing of real instruments.
9. Grapefruit is the devil’s fruit. Don’t touch it. Don’t eat it. Don’t even look at it.
10. There is a direct correlation between hate/intolerance and lack of intelligence. As I’ve often said, hate is the currency of the stupid. And Wal-Mart. If you don’t believe me, go read the public comments on news stories about gay rights, abortion, or any other divisive topic. Your IQ will plummet at an astronomical rate.
11. Know why you believe what you believe. This is harder than it sounds. I work on this Every. Single. Day. And I still am not sure whether I think Elvis is dead.
12. Know that regardless of how strongly you believe what you believe, you might be wrong – and that’s okay. None of us *knows* what happens when we leave this life. We can guess. We can hope. We can believe. But we can’t *know*. (And if you say you “know” I am going to ask you to prove it, you know, with facts and stuff.)
13. Always look before you zip or you could end up with your beans above your frank, if you know what I mean.
14. More than one truth exists. Accepting someone whose truth differs from yours in no way diminishes your own convictions. You should be secure enough in my your own convictions that if you see your neighbor outside praying to his forsythia bushes in his backyard, you shouldn’t be the least bit threatened. It’s okay to think he’s a bit kooky around the edges, but keep in mind that he probably thinks your entire belief system is based on a series of fairy-tales, too. Trust me on this. I coat myself in grapeseed oil every morning and sit naked, facing north, chanting show tunes because the Great Pumpkin told me to do it. So far, my neighbors haven’t called the cops. They’re either very tolerant or very, very nearsighted.
15. Be willing to change your beliefs based on new information. What you believe today very likely will not be what you believe 20 years from now. I used to think I believed in a god. Now I believe that I have pixies living in my sock drawer. Go figure.
16. Your beliefs are no less or no more valid based on how many people agree or disagree with you. Look at me. I’m all alone over here. And I’m right.  😎 
17. Your beliefs are your own and they are sacred, but they’re not worth death (yours or someone else’s). So, keep it real, you know. Don’t be mad dogging anyone else because they believe different from you. Yo.
18. Underwear is mandatory. Its very design is to keep things better kept off your pants…OFF YOUR PANTS. And they add another layer between your funk and the rest of us. And we appreciate that additional barrier.
19. Chances are, the people you meet believe what they believe based on where they were born. Chances are if those same people were born on another continent, they’d believe something else entirely. Don’t let geography determine your beliefs. And remember, there’s a good chance you believe what you believe because way back in history, someone stuck a sword through a bunch of your ancestors’ hearts until they “saw the light” you so clearly see now.
20. There is a fine line between patriotism and treason. When “patriots” call for armed rebellion, they’re actually treasonists. They only become “patriots” if they win—and whether they were right to rebel becomes irrelevant because history is written by the victors, not necessarily by the righteous.
21. The government does not have the right to muzzle you, but the rest of us have the right to point at you and laugh.
22. Flip flops are okay for around the house and at the beach. However, they are *not* shoes and don’t meet the “No shirt, no shoes, no service” standard. 
23. Camouflage clothing is for hunting. Wearing it grocery shopping isn’t any different from wearing a wrestling singlet while eating in a restaurant (except that the singlet might add a little more definition to your gibblies than you meant to—or that the rest of us want to see while we’re working our way through a wedge salad).
24. Wash your hands thoroughly after handling hot peppers and before you go to the bathroom. You’ll only make that mistake once.
25. Our country is great, but questioning its greatness does not make one un-American. Suggesting that we spritz-up the documents upon which our country was founded is not a crime. For cripe’s sake, the Read Me document that ships with every software program you’ll ever download gets updated several times a month. Why wouldn’t we want to modernize and re-tool the Constitution so that it reflects who we are today? (And if this makes you really mad, I’ll kindly remind you that the very document that I am suggesting needs a little freshening gives me the right to suggest said spring cleaning while also giving you the right to think I am a loon.)