The Smarty Pants with the Freshly Mowed Grass…

Rick Kughen 2 Comments
Can o'Whoop Ass

 

You know, I’m not afraid to open and use a whole can of Whoopass when necessary, though I find that I can usually get by with just using the Fun-Sized Whoopass Snackers. I don’t like to be wasteful. Waste not, want not, my mom used to say, so if I can take care of an ass whooppin’ situation with just a partial can, I’ll save the remainder of the can for another day.

And besides, it’s always good to have both a full can of Whoopass and a partial can of it because you never know when you might need to go all Jackie Chan on someone and need all the Whoopass you got.

Only tangentially related, I once asked a bully to explain why my ass was about to be grass, adding that I was pretty sure he didn’t know the origin of that idiom. That was right before he mowed me down like a patch of Kentucky Bluegrass on a hot summer day. It turned out that while he might not have been fully acquainted with that particular idiom’s literal meaning, he sure knew its figurative meaning.

And he didn’t use the Fun-Sized Whoopass Snacker version either. He opened the whole can…

About Rick Kughen

Rick Kughen is a writer, editor, and fishing bum who lives in Kokomo, Indiana with his lovely wife Charlotte, children Alexa and Eric, a flatulent beagle, two devious cats, his imaginary friend, Ned, and Ned's imaginary dog, Steve. He is a former Executive Editor for Pearson Education in Indianapolis, IN, where he worked for 19 years. He's now a full-time freelance writer and editor; he and Charlotte own and operate The Wordsmithery, a freelance editorial company. In a previous life, he was a newspaper reporter and columnist covering police and criminal courts news. He is a fine graduate of Ball State University where he moonlighted as a student. Kughen is an avid fisherman, writer, fly tyer, bait manufacturer, and baseball card collector. He is a devoted fan of both the Green Bay Packers and Cincinnati Reds, and of course, he is an incurable audiophile. He is the superhero known as Adjective Man (action figures sold separately). Kughen also answers to "Editor Boy," but only because he appears to have no choice.

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2 thoughts on “The Smarty Pants with the Freshly Mowed Grass…”

  1. Here’s the question: once the can of whoopass is open (and I need to stop reading that as “whoo pass” instead of “whoop ass”), how long does it keep before the leftovers spoil? I mean, I would be reluctant to open a big can of whoopass if I can’t use the whole thing in a reasonable amount of time. The universe should really provide a variety of can sizes so a person can open up and use the contents wisely in one go.

    1. That’s and excellent question, Mel. My experience has been that while its potency does diminish over time once the seal is broken, there are some things you can do to preserve its Whoopassishness. First, you need to cover the unused portion immediately. Plastic wrap will do in a pinch, but I prefer good ol’ Tupperware. Second, you’ll want to store unused portions in a cool, dry place, and limit their exposure to sunlight. I carry mine in one of those soft-sided coolers with a an ice pack. Lastly, you’ll want to use any remaining Whoopass in opened cans within a month or two of opening. After that, the Whoopass loses potency pretty quickly and might not perform within specifications noted on the side of the can.

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