Today, I would like to broach a, um, windy topic.

Recently, I read a news story (really, I am not making this up) in which 2,000 Americans were asked about flatulence by none other than flatulence deodorant maker Devrom. Hey! Don’t walk away. We all do it. It’s okay. We can talk about it. Just you and me. No one will know if you read this post all the way to the end…because you know you want to. C’mon…

At any rate, here is just a sampling of what researchers learned:

• 37 percent would admit to breaking wind if said wind was noticed by a coworker.
• 44 percent said they cropdust the room with their flatulence on their out.
• 20 percent try to make a loud noise to hide the sound of their, uh, eruptions.
• 30 percent have had someone else’s smelly flatulence make them lose their appetites.

Respondents were also asked to name the most embarrassing time to let one slip. And in my best Richard Dawson voice, “Survey said!?”

1. During sex
2. During a job interview
3. On a date
4. In a car filled with people
5. While at work

So, after reading this study, it probably won’t surprise you to learn that we here at Dances With Bass wanted to learn more about air biscuits:

Note: My browser history is a scary, scary place…

• According to “Muscle and Fitness Magazine,” booty bombs can reach speeds of 10 feet per second, or 7 mph.
• According Dr. Michael Levitt, who researches flatulence, higher concentrations of hydrogen sulfide in the gaseous emissions of women result in gas that on average smells worse than gas from males. Really. I didn’t make that up.
• Former President Gerald Ford was known to blame his Secret Service detail for his farts. After dealing some damage, President Ford would then loudly say something like, “Jesus, was that you? Show some class!”
• Humans expel 9.41 million gallons of gas into the atmosphere each day.
• You probably don’t want to know this—I didn’t—but some people are, um, aroused by gaseous emissions. The fetish is known as eproctophilia. (Sometimes, I don’t want to live on this planet any longer.)
• The average person passes gas 14 times a day. So, being the intrepid spirit that I am, I did some math:
  • According to the World Population counter, there are 7,404,956,000 people in the world (I rounded down because new babies are popping into this world at a pretty good clip).
  • Multiply the world population by the average number of times each of us steps on a duck to get the total number of 7,404,956,000 x 14 = 103,669,384,000 (total gaseous emissions)
  • Now divide the total number of daily blasts by the total number of seconds in a day: 103,669,384,000 / 86,400 (seconds per day) = 1,199,877.12962963 chippers every second, EVERY. SINGLE. SECOND.
• Professional air tulip smellers—yes, this is a real occupation—can earn up to $50,000 per pop, as it were, by smelling the gas of ill patients to diagnose disease. Don’t believe me? See this. Now that I have been laid off, I see a moneymaker right here…
• For just $21 each, you can buy pills that will make your duck calls smell like chocolate, rose or ginger. Is your dog a frequent crop duster? No worries. For just 24,92 Euros ($26.24 US) a pop, you can eliminate your dog’s offensive gas. French entrepreneur Christian Poincheval is happy to take your orders. Operators are standing by.
• The most unlikely of suspects is the reigning champ when it comes to volume of gaseous emissions. The lowly termite, thanks to its diet of, well, your house, is estimated to be responsible 11 percent of global methane emissions. Unbelievably, termites expel more methane than all of the vehicles on the planet. Camels and zebras claim second and third prizes, respectively, for total volume of gas produced.
• The oldest joke ever recorded is a butt trumpet joke—you saw that one coming, right?—and dates to the Sumerians in 1600 BCE. The joke goes, “Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.” Apparently, women have been holding their backdrafts in for at least 3,615 years.
• A tribe in South America – the Yanomamis – uses rippers as a greeting, which is not all that unlike the non-verbal communication employed by my college roommates.
• The prestigious University of Exeter released a study in 2016 showing that smelling Cleveland steamers can cure cancer. Really. The team of researchers said that hydrogen sulphide—the stink in the trouser cough—contains a compound known as AP39, which when inhaled by someone who is sick, causes the person’s cells to create more of its own hydrogen sulfide. And hydrogen sulfide acts as a bodyguard of sorts to the cell’s mitochondria. In turn, the mitochondria resists damage and helps stop the progression of a variety of diseases. Attention sick folks: I know several plentiful sources of hydrogen sulfide. Call me.
• A performer who goes by the moniker, Mr. Methane, bills himself as the world’s most accomplished windbreaker. He uses his gas to perform the “Art of Controlled Anal Voicing.” He’s not the first pro to take his show on the road. French performer Pepé Le Pew…okay, I made that name up. The dude’s real name was Joseph Pujol, and his stage name was Le Pétomane. Apparently, he is known for having blown the doors off the Moulin Rouge in Paris. This was after he learned that he could, um, “inhale” water into his backside and could turn on the jets, as it were, on command. And h
  

  

  
  ere I wasted my parents’ money on journalism school. You can download Mr. Methane’s farts—I am not kidding—here.
• Using some math that is way more advanced than anyone here at Dances With Bass Industries understands, researchers say that if every person on earth were to store nine air bagels in a jar and then send them to Dr. Jay Maron—a really smart dude—he could make a hydrogen bomb. (Uh-oh, I just said “bomb” and am now on a government watch list. I just know it.) And no, I don’t want your jarred barking spiders.
• Maron says that the average benchwarmer is combustible for 147 Joules. A hydrogen bomb contains 1e13 Joules of energy and mass. So, Maron could take those 9 beefers-in-a-jar from each of the world’s 7.4 billion people and create a thermonuclear weapon.
• Dead people can continue chipping them off for about three hours after their shuffle from this mortal coil. Scientists say this happens because even after death, the muscles continue to expand and contract —or twitch—until rigor mortis sets in. Because the sphincter is a muscle…
• Some folks who have way too much time on their hands compiled a list of 300 different ways to describe flatulence.

(My apologies to Mr. Bob Dylan whose 1963 song, Blowin’ in the Wind inspired this post’s title. Sorry, Uncle Bob. I know you were trying to be serious, and I just broke wind.)