Now that spring is just around the proverbial corner, we here at Dances With Bass Industries are re-spooling our reels, sharpening our hooks, and dreaming of days past when all of the fish were as long as our legs.
Or something like that.
As any real angler knows, the science of fish measurement is a tricky business. First, we seem to never have a tape measure when we catch the big one. Second, we never seem to have anywhere to write down our measurements if we do manage to take them. This leaves us trying to estimate the lengths of our catches and/or remember those measurements once we’ve returned Moby to the water. Of course, these problems lead to some measurements that might not hold up under Congressional inquiry.
No angler—at least none with whom I actively associate—would actually lie or embellish the size of his catch. Anglers are known for their integrity, particularly when it comes to the following:
- Size of fish caught
- Where we caught our fish
- What bait or lure we used to catch said fish
- How many fish we lost (or “missed” in true angler parlance)
- How many fish our partners caught
All of this said, even the most honorable angler among us sometimes overestimates or unintentionally embellishes the size of fish caught on days of summer past. Just as any kind of tale grows taller in the re-telling, the fish also grow longer.
Those of us who run in scientific circles—and we do, don’t you doubt us—know that cognitive psychology comes into play here. You must keep in mind that the very act of remembering stuff is affected by other cognitive functions, including semantic memory, beliefs, and even perception imagination.
While many believe that their ability to recall memories and details—such as fish lengths—is beyond reproach, they are, as we say in the business, wrong. We sciencey folks know that episodic memories are subject to being distorted by a whole host of things, including the aforementioned cognitive functions, as well as influences from family and friends, our own perceptions, and even our memories of other related or unrelated events. All of this means that when we are combing through our mental filing cabinet, looking for a single piece of information—in this particular case, the length of a single fish—our reconstruction of that particular piece of information is subject to misinterpretation, and yes, exaggeration. Believe it or not…
So, what do we do, dear angling friends, when we catch the fish of a lifetime, don’t have a ruler handy, and don’t want to allow for the effects of the cognitive psychology I just explained? Well, after years of in-the-field research, I have come up with a formula that allows the angler to calculate the exact length of any fish that angler has landed and for which he failed to get an actual measurement. First, however, you’re going to need to gather some crucial details:
- Estimated size of the fish (estimate short here; we’re trying not to embellish remember?)
- Were you alone or fishing with a buddy on the day the fish was caught? If you were alone, the variable is 1.5; if you were fishing with a buddy, the variable is 1)
- Number of years since fish was caught (if it’s less than one year, round up to a full year)
- Number of beers consumed on the day the fish was caught
Now, using this information, you can create an equation that will arrive at an accurate length of the fish. It goes like this:
(Estimated size of fish X 1.5 or 1)+(number of years since fish was caught+number of beers consumed on the day the fish was caught) = Actual length of your fish
So, if I caught a fish I estimated to be 14 inches long while fishing alone, five years ago, after having consumed six beers, the actual length of my fish would be: 32 inches
Here’s the equation:
(14 X 1.5) + (5+6) = 32
Simple, right? Make sure you copy this down and keep it in your wallet, your boat, your fishing vest, or tackle box.
It’s all science, really. Why would I make it up?
