TASMANIA, Australia – The world was stunned recently when sources inside Tasmania’s legal poppy trade confirmed that wallabies have been sneaking into medicinal poppy flower fields in order to get high and then hop around in circles until they pass out.

The news comes as a shocker to most of the world who previously couldn’t have picked a wallaby out of a line-up. When shown pictures of wallabies, most people, however, said they’d have never suspected these cuddly cousins to the kangaroo of burgling anything, much less enjoying rides on the white horse.

State officials, however, paint a grim picture of the adorable macropods.

Lara Giddings, the attorney general for the island state of Tasmania, told reporters that the wallabies jump the fences (no need to jimmy the lock on the gate) to these government-controlled fields and chew on the pretty white and purple flowers. Giddings said they get “high as kites” then mindlessly hop around in circles until they pass out.

“They get high as kites…”

– Lara Giddings, attorney general

Asked how wallabies learned to rave or where they got all of those neon glows sticks, Giddings declined to comment. Giddings did, however, say that the wallabies – known as “Papaver somniferum,” which roughly translates to “tweaker” – hop so vigorously and for so long that they essentially create their own “crop circle art” in these precious fields.

Unbeknownst to most, Australia supplies roughly half of the world’s legal opium, which is used to make painkillers, such as morphine, Percocet, and Vicodin, as well as heroin, which isn’t quite so legal. Without these legally grown pretties, surgeries would involve a lot more screaming, much of it from the patient. Moreover, without the poppy, Keith Richards would never be the paragon of good health he is today.

Rick Rockliff, a spokesman for Tasmanian Alkaloids, a poppy producer, said the break-ins and strange behavior isn’t limited to wallabies. According to Rockliff, sheep have been spotted meandering about the poppy fields after chewing on the valuable flowers. Rockliff cited security concerns when he declined to say how the sheep – who aren’t known for their leaping ability or their general cunning – had gotten into the poppy fields in the first place. Some have suggested that sheep have been greasing a man on the inside in order to gain access to the restricted fields.

Marley Poon, a researcher from We Just Made It Up on the Spot Co., said while the wallabies are just chewing the flowers now, they are saving their nickels and dimes for needles and spoons. “It’s only a matter of time before these damn junkies learn to fix properly,” Poon said. 

Giddings said work is underway to build taller fences, but work is slow going because each morning when crews arrive to work on the fence, they find dozens of thoroughly stoned wallabies passed out in the fields. “They spend all of their time dragging stoned wallabies out of the fields instead of building the freakin’ fences. At this rate, work on the fences is likely to take years.”

Officials are also concerned that the wallabies are not only getting their own rocks off but that they might be boosting large amounts of the raw poppy flowers to be sold on the black market. 

“They got them damn pouches right here,” Poon said as he gestured toward his belly. “First they fill up their pouches with the poppy flowers, then get stoned outta their gourds. When they leave in the morning, I bet they’re selling those poppies to cartels and stuff. I mean, they’re getting money for those fancy cars and TVs from somewhere. It don’t take a brain surgeon to figger this one out.”

Attempts by reporters to get a quote from the wallabies have been largely unsuccessful.

Said one semi-conscious wallaby as he was being dragged out of a poppy field after a night of raving, “In a gadda da vida, honey. Don’t you know that I love you?”