(Technically, I’d be Moby Dick in this little analogy, but “Call me Ishmael” is one of the most famous lines in literature, so there’s that.)
You know that you’re having a bad week when the best part of your week thus far was having this four-inch long needle inserted into your hip-joint. (And if you think about the general geographic location in which the hip-joint is located and how one might most easily access said tender area with a needle, then you get why I wasn’t excited about this part of today’s festivities.)
When I made a joke about whaling being illegal these days, the nice doctor who was doing the harpooning—I like to call her “Ahab—just laughed and yelled, “Thar she blows!”
And because I’m…well…a dork, this also happened:
Scene: I am lying supine with what looks like a large chuck jammed under my left buttock. Apparently, jacking the hip in that direction helps roll the femoral artery and a major nerve toward your inner pelvis, making it easier for the doctor to avoid piercing the artery (and really having need to yell, “Thar she blows!”) or harpooning that nerve and making impossible for me to ever hokey-pokey again. While in this position, the doctor starts feeling around in my inner hip/groin area so that she can “landmark” the position of the femoral artery and the nearby nerve.
Doctor: “Okay, I am feeling around here for your femoral artery because we don’t want to hit that by mistake. Sorry, I know this position on this hard table is uncomfortable for someone with a good back and hips, so it must be really uncomfortable for you.”
Me: “No problem at all. I am all for preparation, especially when bleeding to death is what happens to patients whose doctors hurry.”
Doctor: [Laughing] “Wow, you really have a big femoral artery.”
Me: [Dramatic pause] “Yeah, I get that a lot. They all say that.”
Doctor and her female nurse in unison: [Loud burst of laughter]
My inner monologue: “Whew. Glad that joke played well. The rest of this procedure could be more unpleasant than necessary if it had gone over like a lead zeppelin.”
Doctor: “Okay, here comes the needle.”
Me: [Wincing] “I guess I’m glad I made you laugh like that before you harpooned me.”
Doctor: [Still cackling] “Yeah, I wouldn’t want to hit that big femoral artery of yours, would I?
[That thud heard by the other patients in the waiting room was me dropping to the mound to avoid that low liner she smacked right back at me.]
Well played, Ahab. Well played indeed.
