Recently, my six-year-old son and I were watching a show on NatGeo Wild about black bears. For the first 20 minutes or so, the show was about black bears and all the cool things black bears do…you know, such as look for honey, slaughter salmon that are swimming upstream looking for love, and freak out New Jersey housewives when they (the bears, not the housewives) wander into the backyards of swanky suburban neighborhoods in order to plunder garbage cans.
Without warning, however, things took an unfortunate turn for the uncomfortable when we learned that mommy and daddy black bears who love each other very, very much sometimes wrestle in bed—or on the dirty ground, wherever—and that this is how little baby bears are made. I wasn’t prepared for a discussion on what mommies and daddies do in order to make babies (I mean, is anyone ever ready for that particular line of conversation with a six-year-old?) so I am pretty sure you could’ve heard my gears grinding when we suddenly went from “Wow, those bears are ferocious salmon hunters” to “Wow, black bears kick ass in the sack” in the time it would’ve taken for me to cry, “Bear penis!” (Not that I have much occasion to yell, “Bear penis,” but I think you get the gist).
Here’s how it all went down:
Scene: A large male black bear walks to the water’s edge where thousands of salmon have just arrived to spawn. (All of whom are chanting to the bevy of hungry bears awaiting them: “We who are about to die, salute you.”)
Commentator: “This black bear is depleted. He had to fight for the right to mate.”
Scene: Two large male black bears slugging it out for the honor of thy fair maiden’s hand.
Commentator: “He mates with several females.”
Scene: A pair of black bears doing the wild thing. And by “wild thing,” I mean, “My back couldn’t take that kinda action” and “Can human males do that?” kind of wild thing.
Eric: “With several females? Wow, he must be the best!
Me: <TOTAL SILENCE>
Commentator: “Depleted again, the male black bear now goes back to fishing for more spawning salmon.”
Scene: The camera shows our black bear sex champion tearing a hapless salmon to shreds.
Eric: “That bear is good at everything! When are we going to eat?”
My inner monologue: Thank goodness the kid has the attention span of a potato, and he’s already forgotten about the black, furry ball of sexual fury we just witnessed.
Unfortunately, I am left feeling wholly inadequate compared to the aforementioned Ursus Americanus. Maybe I should try eating more salmon.
