Humans have long looked the stars above them and wondered, are we alone? Is there life on other planets? Why don’t the aliens visit our meager planet and bestow us with the gifts of their technologies? Like hyperspace. Teleportation. The ability to vaporize entire planets with an Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator. You know, that kind of thing.
Problem is, I think the aliens are out there, and they are flying by us every day, barely giving us a second glance. Why, you ask?
Well, dear reader, the answer is simple: it’s us. We’re the reason that the green, 14-eyed, two-horned aliens fly right past or tiny blue world.
You see, I’ve long believed that until we reach a higher level of intelligence, the aliens will eschew us for more enlightened people on the other side of the galaxy. They’ve given us plenty of chances, abducted a few of the more intelligent among us (I speak from experience) and concluded that as a species, humans just aren’t advanced enough to handle their wicked cool technologies. However, all hope is not lost. The aliens still check in from time to time to see if we have evolved enough to warrant a further look.
After much research and deep thought, I have formulated what I believe to be the top 10 reasons why the aliens continue to give us the stink-eye:
10. Justin Bieber. He has to go.
9. They find Dennis Rodman unnerving and until he’s gone, they’ll just keep their distance.
8. Republicans. (Oh, come on, it’s a joke! Sort of anyway.)
7. Miley Cyrus is actually being paid to do…well…anything.
6. We haven’t had Hillary Clinton put to sleep yet. (See, I can be bi-partisan.)
5. There are still people who consider rap music to be an art form. In addition to being flat awful, rap music disrupts the aliens’ tractor beam technology.
4. Too many humans have IQs lower than their body temperatures.
3. ‘Muricans…
2. The collective average trouser height of humans across the globe remains too low thanks to millions of juvenile delinquents who wear their pants around their knees.
1.Milton Poon Farner of Queens, NY. Little do most people know, but Milton’s anti-alien maneuvers—including covering everything he owns in tinfoil and playing polkas on his oboe at all hours of the night—have kept our alien friends at bay for decades (it’s a known fact that aliens are powerless against tinfoil, especially in large quantities). Some call Milton a hero. Not me. No, sir.
So there you have it. Truthfully speaking, these are just a handful of the reasons that the aliens hold us in so little regard. There are many more reasons we don’t get invited to play their alien games. I just don’t want to overwhelm you with too much. For now, let’s just work on these 10 items and see where we end up. Okay?
