Yesterday, my wife, Charlotte, had a baking emergency and asked me to go to the grocery store for a can of coconut milk. So, off to the store I went.
After acquiring said coconut milk and getting back into my car, I noticed the pickup truck on the end of the row had an interesting collection of bumper stickers—on the bumper, the tailgate, and the rear window. Because I never like to miss a dose of redneck wisdom from the yahoos in Kokomo, I drove past the truck slowly so that I could take in the depth and breadth of this particular hill-jack’s wisdom.

The two stickers pictured here are the ones that caught my attention:

– The equality sticker. Usually, you don’t see this kind of open-minded sentimentality anywhere near your garden variety redneck.
– The kick her in the, well, a sensitive place sticker. At first, I was entirely perplexed by this, for several reasons:

• Reason A: Kick her in the…? Really? Who would do that? And why? Didn’t his father teach him any better? And forget about dad, if his mom was anything like mine, he wouldn’t be able to sit for a month if he ever uttered such a thing. Further, I have to assume this fella doesn’t date much.
• Reason B: Of all the possible bumper stickers in the world, why would you pick this one? What’s the purpose? Is this really the message you want to share with the world?
• Reason C: Are these two stickers a combined statement? Is Mr. Redneck Genius saying that he’s an equal opportunity giblet kicker?
• Reason D: If reason C is accurate, who hangs out with this guy? And do those people guard their giblets when in his presence?

Really, if my wife hadn’t been suffering from the aforementioned coconut milk emergency, I would’ve waited until he emerged from the grocery store so I could ask him. As it is, I am left trying to picture the owner of that truck. I think I have him all sussed out, but the possible combined messaging found here is simply perplexing, and not often seen amongst people of this intellectual and social status.

Note: I originally shared this missive as a private Facebook post with some friends. A couple of my friends pointed out to me that this sticker is the slogan for The Naptown Roller Girls, an Indianapolis-based roller derby team. Another friend suggested that this truck might be driven by a woman and not a man as I had suspected. One or both of these statements might be true, but it’s still not classy to suggest kicking a woman (or anyone) if even it’s a slogan for your favorite sports team. (And if it is the slogan of your favorite sports team, might I suggest finding another way to express your knuckle-dragging insensibilities?)

In any event, this is the kind of bumper sticker that will do several things for (or to) you:

1. If this sticker appears on a vehicle driven by a man, I can assure you that he doesn’t get much attention from the ladies…and the attention he does get isn’t the kind most of us want. Put it this way, women who would find this slogan endearing enough for public display probably aren’t the kind of women you bring home to mom.
2. If this sticker appears on a vehicle driven by a woman, most men are going to steer far, far away from her. If she willing to kick her girlfriend’s hoodilly, you can bet she’s willing to give you a kick between the uprights.
3. If you get pulled over by a police officer with this sticker on your vehicle, you almost certainly are getting a ticket. That’s not to say that some officers wouldn’t find it amusing, but I am pretty sure that this kind of thing only helps further cement the officer’s suspicions that you are richly deserving of some unwanted attention from The Man.
4. If you are a male sporting this sticker on your vehicle and you pull into the driveway of a protective father (such as me) expecting to pick up his daughter for a date, he is going to remove your giblets for you.
5. If you are spotted exiting a vehicle displaying this sticker on your way to a job interview, the interview better be for a construction job, a bartender job or for some other profession that isn’t white-collar and doesn’t pay much above minimum wage. Sorry, much like tattoos on the neck, this sticker is fairly career limiting.

I mean, can’t you find one of those “Ain’t Skeered” stickers, or a Calvin pissing on whatever it is you don’t like sticker? You’ll find them wherever they sell Truck Nutz. Trust me, you’re still a douchebag if you’re sporting one of those Calvin stickers, but at least you’re not a douchebag who thinks hitting women is funny. You have that going for you anyway.