You think you know me? Maybe you do, but I can promise you that there are at least 25 things you didn’t know.

1. I am the superhero known as Adjective Man. I have a cape and everything.

2. I think life would be better if random groups of people broke out into Monty Python-like musicals from time to time. What shopping trip wouldn’t be made better if everyone in the produce section suddenly broke into a perfectly choreographed musical that spilled out into the parking lot? I mean really…

3. I think it would be great if someone followed me around narrating my every move. The narrator would announce the mundane things, such as “and with a steely grin, Rick proceeds to dig lint from his belly button,” to the more serious matters, such as “and thanks to Rick’s boundless courage, the free world will remain free, the forces of evil thwarted yet again.”

4. I would like to be Jack Bauer. Well, except for the episode in each season in which he was tortured.

5. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin’ on the porch with my family, singin’ and dancin’ down in Mississippi.

6. I once fought off a pack of meat fork wielding pixies using only a pellet gun.

7. I’ll eat most anything, though I think grapefruit is an abomination. Really, it’s a crime against humanity.

8. In my spare time, I like to pole vault.

9. I really like it when I am hailed as “O Captain, My Captain.”

10. I would like it if you brought me a shrubbery.

11. When I finally got rid of my mullet, I discovered that with the improved aerodynamics, I was much, much faster.

12. Really scary movies, well, scare me. I have a pretty vivid imagination. I don’t really need Hollywood’s help.

13. I really wish I could yodel.

14. I name each and every fish that I catch.

15. I am a broken hero on a last chance power drive.

16. If they still made Hai Karate cologne, I’d wear it…just so I could say that I’m wearing Hai Karate cologne.

17. I have a new line of Rick Kughen action figures, complete with Kung Fu grip, coming out soon.

18. I once got into a pretty serious fight as a kid because the neighbor brat stole my G.I. Joe with Kung Fu grip. During the mêlée, the little jerk bit my thumb. I got my G.I. Joe back though.

19. I write the songs that make the young girls cry.

20. I think it would be great if 1970s fashions came back. I’d look great in bell bottoms, platform shoes, and gold neck chains.

21. I once saw Elvis in a K-Mart. He had fried peanut butter and banana sandwich smears on the front of his sequined jumpsuit.

22. Sometimes when I am trapped in a long phone conversation, I pace around the house pretending I am a swashbuckling hero while making jabbing, cutting motions in the air.

23. I wear my sunglasses at night. That’s just the way I roll.

24. I know it’s an inconvenience, but if you could just knock three times on the ceiling (twice on the pipe, if the answer is no) if you want me, I’d appreciate it.

25. I once had the extreme misfortune of getting the chorus from Elvira stuck in my head: “Elvira! Giddy Up Oom Poppa Omm Poppa Mow Mow, Giddy Up Oom Poppa Omm Poppa Mow Mow.” I thought I was a goner.